Perceptions of Reality Need to be Different and Accepted for Any Group to Arrive at Balanced Outcomes

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE RIGHT?

Imagine you’re leading a meeting.  We’ll use an administrative meeting in a humanitarian business, a shelter for homeless families, as an example, but you can probably see this happening at a family gathering, too. A decision must be made that will take the enterprise in a specific direction. How do you gather the needed information to make a wise decision? What do you do with the information so you can best use it?

Abigail was nervous. A baby had stopped breathing that afternoon and while the mother knelt on the floor, screaming, crying and banging her head.  Between sobs, she explained to police that she had stopped taking cocaine as soon as she knew she was pregnant but after the baby had been born, she hadn’t been able to resist. She had breastfed because she spent the money for formula on drugs.  The non-profit shelter had to make a drug policy immediately or risk closing.

WHO DECIDES?

The heads of the four departments in their small shelter all had to agree on a plan. Edwin was head of education and could be counted on to do what had been successful before. Barney would come armed with all the statistics, which worked well for his department – security and vendor processing.

The 2 men arrived and Edwin. Abigail had brought menus from the nearest Chinese restaurant the shelter could afford because it would be dinner time in an hour and they’d be able to smell the good food from the shelter’s cafeteria. Delia arrived 5 minutes late carrying her overstuffed bag from the social programs. She sat down, put her elbows on the table and said,

“I told you that woman would be trouble.”

WHAT IS REAL?

Barney contradicted her, “You didn’t have any evidence.  You had a dream about her and your dream is not a usable fact.”

Delia retorted, “When I dreamed we would get fifteen new families last week and we should prepare, how many new clients did we get?”

Edgar interrupted.  The pattern in all the other shelters is that you get a higher influx near the end of the month. They can’t pay rent by the first.”

Abigail passed out the menus.  “Pick something so I can order. This might be a long meeting unless we focus on what we need to do.”

“It won’t be a long meeting at all if we just look at the facts.  People on drugs bring disaster to themselves and others.  We can search each mini-apartment tonight and have random searches 1 -3 times each week.  Anybody with drugs can go back to the street.”

FACTS VS. DREAMS?

“Let’s start with the facts and use them to make something still close to our dream. We all came here believing that homeless people needed homes, social services, and education. How can we make this a welcoming place for positive change and deal with these facts?” Abigail was trying not to show her stress.

Delia smacked her hand on the table. “These people need more spirit to find out who they really are. When we started a year ago, I could feel the happiness in these halls even before the first family arrived.  I could feel it in my bones. If they know their real power, they won’t be attracted to the fake power in drugs. You should hear the children laughing when they play in group!”

Edwin was looking in his phone.  “I can call 3 other shelters and find out what is usually done in these cases and let you know by the end of the week.  And let’s order so the food will get here. Soon.  Is the shelter paying for this?”  Abigail wearily nodded affirmatively.

SPIRITUALITY VS. FINANCES?

Delia glared at Barney and said,” I get my information from a higher power. There is another dimension where facts just don’t matter much. We have to guide this shelter for 150 families to a better life.”

Barney leaned back in his chair and said, coolly, “To shelter these people, the lights have to stay on and the lease paid. Businesses don’t run on intuition.”

Abigail sighed.  “As long as we’re at it, Edwin, sometimes I get tired of hearing what has already been done.  Most shelters are dumps where women and children are abused. We can’t use those models”

Edwin was startled.  “Are you planning to ignore history? How can you build this new utopia without any foundation on what has been before?  Those dumps make a profit and stay open.  Do you think we are the first shelter to discover an addicted family or two or even 50 in their building? Why do you want to re-invent the wheel?”

Barney said,” We don’t need to order food. We can go home. If we keep this up, we should prepare to close the place and get out our resumes.”

HOW DO YOU SOLVE PROBLEMS LIKE THIS?

What do you think this group should do to resolve their problem?

One problem is that each one believes he or she is the only one who is right. Each one is seeing only one aspect of multifaceted truth but if they work together, accepting each method as equally valid, they might create a solution better than one based on any one category of understanding reality.

Suppose they use the existing systems to provide ideas about what to do or not to do in their visionary system and align Barney’s facts and security concerns with Delia’s intuition and loving inspiration? They could create a security system that was effective but non-threatening that protected a visionary shelter for homeless families and avoided the mistakes of the past and present while using their advantages.  The educational and social programs would support the 300-400 adults and children there towards improving their lives.

Are there people in your lives who see the world differently from you? You might all be right!

Ideas from this article have been taken in part from Consultation, by John K. Kolstoe (Kolstoe, 1990)

Are you lovable? Do you allow people to show you love? Do you invite it? Attract it?

“You can search the entire universe and not find a single being more worthy of love than you.”
Gautama Buddha

‘Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou wast created.’“ — Bahá’u’lláh

Do you believe this? Do you believe you are noble, worthy of love? Do you allow people to love you?
What does that mean? Most of us have a mask we show the world to hide the real us underneath.
The mask is usually pretty. It’s a projection of what we want other people to believe about us. It hides what we believe nobody would love. The mask tries to hush the little whisperer inside who says “Why are you even trying that? Just go back to bed.” or “You’re not good enough for him to love you.” It’s the voice that makes self-fulfilling prophecies, or that leads you to forget the one crucial step that would have made your endeavor successful. It’s the way you behave with someone you like that makes them miss the treasure that you are. Do you risk allowing someone you love to see beneath the mask?

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you are OK until you tell yourself and believe it.

In relationships, this feeling of unlovability manifests as people constantly attracting people who cannot love them – people who are already married or emotionally unavailable. Do you hate being alone so much that you sometimes date or even marry people you don’t want to be with?

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with”
 – Wayne W. Dyer

How do you go from pretending you are the mask to genuinely liking the person you see in the mirror?

Try these 4 things by yourself, with a coach or with whatever help you need:
1. Sit or lie in a quiet place and let your thoughts wander towards accomplishing something you thought you could not do. What phrase do you hear in your head?
2. Remember the first time you felt or heard that phrase. Who said it? Why did you feel it?
3. Sometimes that phrase protects you from failure or danger when you are very young. You also wore diapers when you were very young and they were necessary. They aren’t necessary now, though, because you have changed. Do you still need that phrase?
4. What could you say to yourself instead? According to Shad Helmstetter Ph.D. in What to Say When You Talk To Yourself, cleaning out your mind of clutter is the same as cleaning your garage or closet. If you don’t put something beneficial in the newly empty space, the old tires, shoes or other negative thoughts will creep back in.

“Abundance is a property of letting go; that which is empty can receive.” Bryant H McGill

What would change in your life if the real you became so loved by you that the mask would no longer fit. You would need courage to risk being vulnerable. But, you were vulnerable before, you just weren’t able to see it.

“If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got,” Jesse Potter.

If you grow into your true self, you can choose happiness most of the time regardless of the circumstances.

“Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it.” Rabindranath Tagore.

You know the difference you feel when you are around someone who is happy and confident or someone else who Is cautious or pretentious? They are on different wavelengths and there is no hiding it. Which people would you attract and be attracted to if you saw yourself as a whole, loved and lovable?

“Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.” Karl A. Menninger.

This is the journey of a lifetime – literally. You can get your life back in time to enjoy it!

Quotes for this article were taken from (Haden, n.d.) https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/55-motivational-quotes-that-will-inspire-you-to-believe-in-yourself.html

Is there another way to look at that?

• How do you feel about this situation? Feeling words are simple – happy, sad, angry, depressed, amused. Thought words are more complicated – like “why did she do that?” Ask yourself how you feel and answer in simple words.
• Has this feeling happened to you before in similar situations?
  • Could this be a pattern?
  • Do you often respond to certain situations in the same way?
  • Why?
• What do you get from having that response that feels satisfying?
• What actually happened, without any interpretation on anyone’s part?
  • Is the situation, “She doesn’t like me and moved my hand away.” ?
  • Is it “I hurt her when I grabbed her arm” ?
  • Is it, “I touched her arm and she moved.”?
  • Is it, “She was falling and when I tried to help her, she was embarrassed.”
• If option 3 is what actually happened, what are 3 clear ways you could interpret that?
  • Since what she did is different from any interpretation of what she did or what you did, anything is possible.
  • What are you assuming?
• Can you ask the other person what happened and listen to their answer?
• What feelings or thoughts could have caused that situation or response? Does that change the way you feel?
• Your first thought or response is only your first thought or response. It’s not necessarily the truth. What other ways to think about the situation make sense? Your response is a choice. Which do you choose? Why?

Chapter 2

Aileen walked carefully through the park, holding her white dress away from the grass while trying to keep the side slit closed as much as possible. The best thing that could come of this disaster, she realized, might be that she had an evening when she didn’t have to please anybody else. Her phone rang and she wobbled in her high -heeled sandals as she dropped her hold on the dress and dug in her purse to find the phone. She was a little off balance since she was using one of her hands to hold the dress and the other to hold the sweet little girl’s hand. Had her father called her “Bubs”? What kind of mother would let her husband call her daughter “Bubs”? She felt her phone in the purse, pulled it out to look at it and stumbled again. It was Jim. She had had enough of being yelled at for one evening. She pushed those little volume things on the side of the phone and it stopped ringing.

Bernard was just ahead of Sophie and her mother, pushing the cart behind Bubbles and Aileen. When he saw Aileen stumble, he let go of the cart and took three really fast, long legged steps to be at her side and gently support her arm when she stumbled the second time. Her skin was smooth and he could feel the hint of a bicep underneath. She probably had a personal trainer. If he could just get her phone number, who knew what might happen next week, when Bubbles wouldn’t be there to leap onto his bed first thing in the morning!

“One more cheating, lying man,” Aileen thought, disgusted. “Such a sweet little girl! “

“Thank you Bernard.” She said, without emotion, as she shrugged off his hand and leaned over to take off her shoes. She held her shoes and her dress in the hand that wasn’t holding Bubbles’ small one and walked naturally, steering Bubbles off the gravelly path and onto the grass. She liked the way the stiff grass bent beneath the balls of her feet and pushed up between her pedicured toes.

“Where’s your mommy tonight, Sweetheart?” Aileen said, loudly enough for Bernard to hear. But he didn’t. He was back on the path getting the cart.

“Mommy’s at home, Miss Aileen. Daddy takes care of me when mommy’s at home. And we go to the movies in the park! Mommy doesn’t like the bugs.”

Sophie’s mom had piled her blanket on top of the cart and was pushing it. She bumped the cart into Bernard’s foot and apologized. Then, she let go of the cart and she and Sophie followed the other two onto the grass. The moonlight was bright enough for them to see other setting up nearby.

“She doesn’t like bugs? Do you like them?” asked Aileen

“I like dragonflies,” Bubbles said, excitedly. Sophie had joined them.

“I like butterflies,” Sophie said.

“OOOh! Two beautiful things that fly!! Two beautiful girls who dance!” giggled Aileen. She dropped the fold of her dress where she had been holding it, tucked two fingers of Sophie’s hand into hers, next to the  straps of the shoes, and swirled around in a circle ringed with two giggling, twirling little girls.

Sophie’s mom smiled, then pointed to a clearing on a rise in back of the crowd, but in front of three small trees. There was space and a good view of the movie screen. She looked back for Bernard. He was pushing the overloaded cart over the thick, tangled Florida grass but he saw them in the darkening park and waved.

They spread the blankets together so the roots of the trees made low armrests for 3 or 4 people. The two children saw another friend with his parents and welcomed him onto the blankets to play. His parents smiled and waved, then spread their blanket nearby. His mother stared at Aileen in her white “goddess” dress and said something to her husband, who was already looking in their direction. The wife sat on the side of the blanket closest to Aileen and aimed her husband’s gaze away, towards the large cooler of food they had brought.

Aileen noticed and squeezed her legs together to minimize the slit in the dress. It didn’t accomplish much. Bernard noticed too.

“I only need 2 minutes alone with her to tell her I’m not married to Bub’s mother. I can make 2 minutes happen.” He said to himself. He put the fruit and drinks on the blanket but folded the tablecloth near it so the woman who looked like a goddess to him could use it to protect the dress or cover her legs.

Sophie’s mom patted a spot on the blanket next to her and bid Aileen to sit there. Aileen gathered up her dress, held the slit together and sat down with as much grace as she could manage. She reluctantly accepted Bernard’s offer of the clean, folded tablecloth and spread it over her legs.

“His wife,” she thought, “better hold on to him because he’s roaming.”

She was too embarrassed to look at him again. The children ran to the little boy’s family, who had sandwiches, chips, cookies, cups and a large bottle of orange soda. They offered to share and the girls jumped up and down with glee, making their tutus flop up and down. The girls giggled and made the tutu netting on their skirts bounce even more. Sophie’s mom agreed to share food and contributed her chips to the pile. Bernard motioned for a suddenly somber Bubbles to come to him.

He wrapped his arms around her and whispered in her ear, “We already had dinner, baby. We brought dried apricots, your favorite, and watermelon water because you asked for it. We can share that, but I want you to eat the healthy food that we brought. Right?”

“Mommy lets me eat chips.” Bubbles gulped. Her lips quivered, and tears began to run down her face. The movie was about to start.

“Mommy’s not here, Angel.”

Bubbles collapsed in his arms, sniffling.   Bernard scooted backward between the roots of the tree, gathering folds of blanket for a cushion; then he leaned against the tree trunk, gathered her up in his lap, surrounded her with his arms and made himself her easy chair.

Sophie plopped between her mom and Aileen but reached across Aileen to offer Bubbles a chip.

The girls and both women looked at Bernard. He waved off the chip and offered the apricots and watermelon water with the hand that he unwrapped from around his child. Aileen briefly looked over at him with curiosity; then she and Sophie accepted the fruit. Bubbles opened the drink.

“Stop looking at that man, Aileen!” Sophie’s mom hissed into Aileen’s ear.

“Where’ his wife?” Aileen whispered back. The movie had begun and only they could hear themselves clearly over the soundtrack. The light from the screen illuminated their faces and cast shadows behind them.

“I don’t know. Sometimes Clarissa’s mom drops her off and picks her up and sometimes he does. Why does it matter? He can’t give you what Jim can give you! You better use that body while you got it, girl.” Sophie’s mom was smug.

“Look at him. I wish somebody would hug me like that and not want anything back. Why are the good ones always taken?”

“You got one! How many do you need?”

“I’m so scared of Jim right now, I don’t even want to go home. I’ve never heard him as mad as this, and it’s his fault. He should have written the directions. It feels good just to relax and not have to deal with him.”

She held out her hand for another apricot and Bernard leaned over to hold the bag under her smooth, manicured hand. She kept looking at the movie, but chose a few pieces of fruit and began munching them.

Behind the families watching Nemo’s dad on screen trying to protect him from living a natural life, stood a muscular man in a tuxedo who was a little shorter than average. Jim had left the awards ceremony for the non-profit animal rescue group his company supported and come to look for Aileen. The doorman had said she hadn’t come home and she hadn’t answered her phone. He had used his phone to locate hers and it had brought him to this small park in Aventura. He was hoping she’d be easy to spot, wearing a sparkling white dress in the moonlit darkness and he had just found her, sitting on a blanket, arm outstretched, touching another man’s hand.

Is there another way to look at that?

Is it possible that something has happened in your life that you interpreted differently than the way the other people involved intended you to interpret it?

Almost every character in this chapter expected something in this situation and experienced something. How many ways are there to look at what was seen or experienced? Which ways do you think they should choose?  

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE IN THIS SITUATION?

Have you ever had a moment filled with relationship possibilities when you felt that you had to take some kind of action?

1. Take a deep, slow breath and then ask yourself what you really want to feel/experience. In one – three words, describe what you want to feel – not think – and then allow yourself to experience that. It will probably be something simple, like “feel accepted”, “have escape fantasy”, “ feel cherished”, “enjoy myself” or something else.
2. Do what ever (legal/moral) things you need to do that will allow you to  wholeheartedly have that experience as long as you won’t hurt anyone else. Give yourself permission to feel it!
3. If what you want to experience depends on someone else’s actions, both of you need to have a clear understanding of what is expected.
   1. Ask clear questions! No one can guess what you mean. It isn’t fair to expect someone else to know what you’re not sure of yourself.
   2. Listen to the answers with an open heart!
4. What would be different for you and your love if you knew what you wanted to experience from any situation and created ways to make/allow that to happen? Try it this month!

Here is the beginning of a story relationship that’s filled with possibilities. What do you think should happen next for Aileen and Bernard? What do you want them to experience? Let me know, and I might use your ideas in the next episode.

Bernard shared alternate weekly custody of Clarissa (Bubbles) with his former girlfriend, Mel, and it was his week. The child was holding Bernard’s hand and helping push the cart filled with blankets, pillows, bug spray, a small first aid kit because Bubbles thought Band-Aids cured every sorrow,  fruit, healthy sandwiches and organic drinks. When Bubbles saw Sophie, one of her friends from pre-school, she broke free and ran towards her. They were both wearing sparkly tutus and sparkly bows on their braids. The other little girl was holding her mother’s hand as the woman hugged the now slumped shoulders of the goddess who had just walked through the gate into the park. The goddess was still on the phone.

Bernard thought, ”O God. I’ve got a 4 year old. It had to be this week! What can I do?” It wasn’t difficult for him to imagine the goddess without her dress.

“Bubs, where ya goin’?” Bernard shouted. He rushed to follow her with the cart and introduced himself. “Hi. I’m Clarissa’s dad. You must be Sophie’s mom.” The girls were hugging.

They nodded and Sophie’s mom introduced herself, coolly appraising him. She briefly wondered what gym he frequented, but then gave her attention back to her distraught friend, who was still on the phone.

Bernard had just been given an opportunity and he wasn’t going to let it go. “Is there anything I can do to help?” Bernard said, softly, solicitously.

Her phone wasn’t on speaker but he could still hear a man’s loud, angry voice. There was silence and then the goddess put her phone away. A few tears began to run down her face and Sophie’s mom – Bernard had forgotten her name already – rummaged in her purse for something to wipe them with. She came up with a wrinkled napkin.

“I messed up again,” the goddess said, two tears trickling down her face. Between big gulps she said, “I’m supposed to be at Fairchild Park, not here – this is Founders Park. I’m supposed to be in Biscayne City, not on Biscayne Ave. The program already started. He said not to bother coming. It would take too long. He’s SO mad at me!”

“This one is too good to let him get away, Aileen. What did I tell you about writing down directions and using a GPS?”

“I thought I remembered. He could have written it down and given me directions.” She pouted. Aileen was getting herself together, now. She was even more beautiful when she was a little angry.

Aileen smiled at Clarissa and Sophie, who were holding hands. Bernard smiled at them, too and put his hand on Sophie’s neck to tickle her. He was frantically searching his mind for things to say, but the only thought that came up was, “She likes children! Thank God Bubbles is here! Did I bring Kleenex?”

Aileen’s thoughts were doing their normal spin. ” Jim is going to kill me. The girls look like princesses. I want to play with their hair! Jim is going to kill me. Why did I wear this dress? I don’t even like it. It makes me feel like a sausage. Jim always buys things that make me feel pretty in the store but I don’t like them later. He’s really going to kill me. Shoot! I don’t want to go home.”

Both little girls said “Stay with us!” simultaneously. Sophie’s mom had a large enough blanket for 3 but only had a bag of chips and 2 bottles of water. For once, it was good that Bernard always over prepared and he offered to share his abundance of food and drinks, his large comfortable picnic blanket, and a tablecloth to protect her dress, hoping for the best. Sophie’s mom warily suggested that they all sit together.

Aileen smiled at Bernard. “You all are so sweet, but I feel really dumb and I don’t want to mess up your evening.”

“Daddy says never to say that. About being dumb, I mean.” With that, Bubbles smiled up at Aileen and took her hand……..

V.N. Raspberry 2016

MARCH

This is the month of the spring equinox, new beginnings, new life, and holy days. What thoughts are going to give birth to feelings that will fuel what you do this month? The whole earth has a new beginning each spring, whenever that occurs, and you can have a new beginning, too!

If you like meditation/breathing exercises, get into a comfortable position, take a deep breath through your nose that makes your belly push out like a balloon and then let the air whoosh out through your mouth rhythmically as you ponder the possible thought for the day.

You may use these thoughts in the way that best suits you – one a day, all of them each day, some of them some days, or none some days.

7 Thoughts for the Week

3/28/16 Dream support

1. Sometimes, when you plant something, like a tomato, for instance, you need to put a structure around it so it won’t flop before it bears fruit. What structure do you need to build around your new dream?
2. What is the best outcome you can imagine?
3. What is the worst outcome that would be satisfactory?
4. What is the outcome that is between the two?
5. When will you begin?
6. When will it be completed?
7. What is the mid point when you’ll need to stop and assess your progress?